a million dollar boy

He stood silently on the corner of two nameless streets on the crossroads of the world.
Tonight you are going to do something important , be calm,... tonight you are special.

He takes a look at the rivers and gray horizon plate over the city, so anesthetic for his inner pain eyes can't see.
Thinking.
Its done.

He is a person of an amazing potential.
Probably the most amazing person you never knew.

Thinking.
Its already done in his mind.
In his soul.

In dusk, before street lights flashes, before bridge ahead shines- he is running so fast, like never before.
To complete his mission, to finish his race against odds.
A boy with amazing potential for doing great things, running to end his life, in timeless river flow.
A million dollar boy.

If hope dies last, he is already on the river bottom.
With lost dreams, life with no joy, expectations he failed...
There' s no person that is disappointed more
in a dream of purpose in this world.
Why are you running? A million dollar boy on his way to nightmare.

Why we lose hope in moments closest to fulfillment of our dreams?
When we are so near perfection, we turn around from ideal, and suffer, we fear.
Why, when you are a million dollar boy?

It's dangerous, but it's not a crime

Hmmm what could that be?
.......................
Honesty!
It's very dangerous to be honest, specially to yourself and to other people around you, and not just people- to all the happenings around you...

Innovation!
It's very dangerous to think outside of a box, and find new non applied solutions for anything. To change your ways or create them from scratch.

To let go&be free!
It's again, very very dangerous! How can you really? How can you not control every single step ahead or back? How??? How can you not behave like all the rest, how can you act like you feel , or even think what you feel like thinking? Expressing yourself!???Not to follow patterns and other people expectations...??? It's so dangerous!

To dream!
Who has a time for that! And why dreaming when there's a "real" life out there? Usually our dreams are to hard to make true, too childish, not rational, not expected. And finally ,...too far! It's so dangerous to dream!


To be alone!
I don't want to be alone or to do things alone, 'cause then I am the only one "responsible", and I am facing everything without anyone's support! people are really important in my life, more than myself . I can't be alone, I'm not that strong... It's dangerous to be alone out there!


To trust!
How can I trust myself, my gut, or to trust people around me? Only naive & stupid people trust it! That's 'cause they didn't got burned like I was! It's like playing with fire...dangerous!


To fail!
What if I fail? Ah disaster! I don't even want to think about it! I would feel very bad and never try again!


To succeed!
What if I succeed? What to do then? And that greater responsibility? It's maybe more dangerous than to fail! And definitely more dangerous than not trying at all!


To discover!
What's there to discover?! Everything already exists in the world, and I already know everything about everything I want, everyone, and everything about myself! And there is a possibility if I dig deep, I could discover something unexpected-NOT a thing for me!!!


To love!
It's maybe the most dangerous thing-you can be hurt or hurt someone after it and because of it!


To LIVE!
After all above, it's very dangerous to live!Not to be alive, just to live...anything could happened.And that's so dangerous!

.....................

Hm
It's maybe too sarcastic, but most of the people think this way in some form, or some period of life, or the whole life.

The only truly dangerous thing is the fear of living, and to truly be alive. And live everyday.

So, start living, if not now- when? If not you-who?
During life we get scared, we are afraid of all kinds of things, and we forget...to live.

Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin.
Enjoy, V.

Rain and the City

Title:Rain &the city-almost like sex and the city, but in Belgrade sense, sex is represented with rain and nasty unusual weather last days. And nasty and unusual behavior of people.

Rainy days in Belgrade...So romantic...NOT!

Yeah, it's not enough that is cold, and heating is still not on in the apartments, it's not enough that the street I have to walk on every freaking day is badly paved(a year ago) and full of water; and yeah full of very stupid or lost in space people with whom you have to crash with 'cause the street is one of the main city boulevards and quite narrow-logically(!); it's not enough that Belgrade drivers are getting even more stupid when it's raining and more nervous and not respecting THE OTHERS ; there is even more! : D

People are having sex in the cars!

Really!

Few days ago I was in taxi going (quite in a hurry) from point A to point B, it was half past midnight and then it happened-
Not with me and taxi driver, but in the street we couldn't pass trough 'cause of the car on the center of it and people that had sex in it!
Can you imagine that?! It was ridiculously funny back then, but later when I thought about it-I paid 200 dinars more , I was late some 15 minutes, 'cause of the traffic mess those two made( they were brilliant enough to park on the center of the street in city center in wrong direction of the street direction)!

W T F!

I mean sex in the car is ok idea-but you don't have to engage in it 20 random cars!
Were they in such hurry or wtf they were thinking-I don't care, really( haha I just want my 15 minutes and 200 dinars back lol)

So my point is in question form:

Is some more street/public sex really what we need during the rainy days?

Isn't that "sex" with umbrellas and old ladies that are trying to rip of your beautiful gray eyes and ballet-looking-like walking on badly paved and wet streets enough?

That's enough of public fuck for me! Maybe even- too much! : D

Ahh I just hate when it rains in Belgrade...

Colorful anatomy of one month that is not truly a whole month

Colors of life
Phrase #1
It all started in disguise, when I was thinkin' foolishly and maybe even more, naively, that all things in life are happening with a reason, sometimes not clear, sometimes clear as summer night skies, but always a reason-THE REASON, with a dose of mysticism around&in it.
I'm still not so sure if I was right, but lets say things are not white&black...as usual in my life to know that is to know the rules of it.Everything is in the whole color specter-every color except black & white(black&white are non-colors,white has no other colors in it, and black has them all-you can also apply that in some unusual classification to extreme opinions and behavior-on one side you have total ignorance and apathy and on the other too many confusion and hyperactivity )

I've had a lot of time for self-reflection during my manic bicycle driving and all other activities that included just me and nature ; and also, in relaxing and those not so relaxing discussions with many very different friends.
Yep, I am very happy, 'cause of those differences in them, and in their opinions, I am always finding great colorful answers to my burning questions.
Implementing those answers in your everyday life-well sometimes, that's even harder than finding them!
But, that's another thought and another post...

Going out
Phrase#2
Yeah I guess the whole plan of "chilling and not going out for
a while" is not working so well, in all, it is totally ruined.
Well, I am guilty for that, but obviously I am addicted to intensive night life and crazy random "adventures". And that's not bad:D
hmm

Friends

I have 3 new, like totally new friends!
What is totally amazing is that I've met them in just one month period of time!
So amazing to be a person that can create friendships so fast again,I mean, I am not always like that-open, talkative, positive& friendly, most of the time I am cold and hating the whole world around me or at least on some other place in thoughts..so that's very ql: )
And the other amazing thing is that in 3 days I've seen again after quite a while, my two old friends Mila&Nina(this weekend actually)
and it was amazing to talk and share and laugh and remember all the great stuff...cause we're friends for like ages-Nina was going with me to both primary school and second high school, and Mila was in my first high school!
Cheers to friendships, new ones and old ones!

The Colorful Sound

When you hear it, your heart is beating like it never bated before, you feel alive and awake, so nervous and thrilled, 'cause you're hearing it loudly, you're hearing IT! And everything stops, your soul is smiling, your eyes are crying, your heart is breaking...and you feel strange, like a young boy asking a girl first time to go on date, like the first time you said those 3 words, like the first time you cried for no reason, and haven't told anyone ever about it. But all that is inside, stronger and more intensive every time you hear it. But you react like you're ql, and don't know what to do and don't do anything not ql. Not expected.
Just because you've heard it.That sound that is bringing sometimes all the colors in your life, or all the one that makes you feel happy and complete,in my case all the ones that meters the most.
No meter how far is it.
No meter how deaf you are.
You always feel like that when you hear the voice that you love that is bringing colors in your life.
It doesn't meter how much that profound feeling hurts.
You're blessed if you can experience it.

I am tired, so , see u around, and until next post don't forget to be open and friendly, and yeah don't forget about the old people in your life, they are there for some ql reason, in some interesting color...

Emptiness or thats just life?

Hello to all readers or whoever( I don't quite know how many ppl are reading my blog , but anyways...hellooo ;)

Well, I didn't wrote anything for quite some time, I guess I didn't feel a need or smth to write posts...Probably nothing special is happening here in my life: D

I feel strange, somehow, detached from the whole world around me, and kind of like it, but its just weird, 'cause generally I am quite extroverted person...I need ppl:)
I thing I am hurt or smth by lost of contact with few people, and lost of contact with my usual activities and specially lost of contact with my inner self...the last one is really bad...hmhm,

The thing I am sure is that I will never say it or express it, I wouldn't say it here if I am not 100% sure that almost none of the ppl around me is reading it:D
Lucky me...

Funny thing is that I was dong some stupid tests few days ago and one of my "qualities" was that "I am generally easy going person"....
hahahhahahah
So untrue:)
I mean, it depends what term generally means, but "generally " I am hard to understand and hard to deal with in any kind of serious or half serious situation
and I don't think thats wrong, I think of that as just of part of who I am.
And generally I find easy going people very shallow in certain cases or in other, afraid on some deeper levels, usually not keen to explore themselves and ppl around them, not keen to open, understand, afraid of emotions and expressing them...just cowards in some way
too bad for them or for those who think they are special enough to think there's exception in this rule with easy going ppl...but, thats also a part of who they are so I am trying to respect it and understand it

note to self: respect it and understand it, but never ever be easy going when it comes to what really meters in you life or with what you feel or what you expect
or whtvr

So whats up? Hm
Well , my sister Sanja is back from Croatia( finally) but not for long, and I am talking and spending most of my time with her or my mom and dad or, my new girlfriend I tend to fall for( hahha omg what sentence), or just trying to open myself to unexpected affair or strange start of maybe new relationship in my life.
I know i didn't expect it at all, but its there, I am officially one month in a relationship ...fuck:D
I don't know where that all thing is going, but ...I guess I've learned to appreciate
random things in my life, and sex is just great and a lot of fun ...who knows, maybe thats a relationship in reality that is going to last?
I mean I always(last few years) kind of expected that my next long relationship is going to be ...well much different than this one I will probably be long time in future 'cause it s safe and ordinary and ...fuck, did I just said safe and ordinary?
Shoot my self for that

Anyways...I know I should be happy, 'cause I've experience a lot of beautiful things and emotions in past few months or years,I know I should be grateful 'cause I am able to be loved and to love so much,....but
I am not satisfied at the moment
My life currently is so freakin' boring, and I don't feel loved at all
no passion, adventures,randomness and craziness, freedom,...everything I care about the most..fuck I must be insane,'cause in eyes of all ppl around me I should be happy, and I just feel empty

Maybe I am becoming that easy going person am I?
The one that is satisfied with shallow relationships the one that enjoys in ordinary,the one that enjoys in now, the one that oh fuck I never was?

Like month ago, my friend Natasa came back for some conference here, and she told me I was different, and plus I 've got in some random notes at the end of it, notes like oh we didn't do this or we didn't do that crazy shit we usually do on conferences so randomly
I was fucked up
I am, still. I mean, wtf that means???
Should I be satisfied and grateful for things most of the ppl are?
And if I am not, whats wrong with me? And if nothing is wrong, why can't I just be and do whtvr I feel satisfied and grateful with?
Whats lost in me?
fuck
I already know the answer
It's just I need some time to restart myself , kind of like when you fuck up smth with your computer and it stuck, you restart it
I am stuck...if that isn't so serious it would be funny
And I need that fucking restart so much
I know I experienced a lot of things that gives me reasons to be disappointed in past time; I fell in love with persons that at the end only had hurt me, I've lost some of the ppl I really deeply care about, I was hurt a lot and hurt a lot of ppl, I failed a lot, I was not true to myself, I 've stopped trying,and I've begin to believe that this is how life is really looking...so untrue
I've forgot how everything before in my life happened, everything before I lost faith first in ppl than in myself and my own vision how everything works and what I want in present and future.
I've forgot that my reality is just my own peace of art, that I am making it, no meter how and why
I just hope I didn't loose it 4ever, and that really soon I will be again that strange , crazy and free myself I used to be, restarted after stuck-upness in past 2 months
I wish that I could clear things up, make up with that few shitty people I care about a lot, and talk about how I feel with so many ppl, ...
I need conclusion. And new beginning I am so good at.
Just, hehe " just", don't have energy or enough will to do it at the moment

I have to find it and try

Sobber confessions-down, Drunk confessions-yeeee!the one for me!

Wtf fuck is confession?! Boring shit, we need sometimes...? Probably. Boring 100%, at least to me...
The thing is, I like to drink on parties, and I also like to go out often, so I drink a lot often. Ha ha

Last night I've got hit by the car. I've literally got hit, and in few moments I thought I will die, and that was ok, and that feeling of calmness when I was faced to that kind of stupid and dangerous situation made me think afterwards.
Maybe I was too wasted, so thats why, maybe I just...fuck, hate confessions, thats why I never confess anything:D

note to myself: it's not your fault, thats what happens when two drunk ppl meet, specially in situations when one of them is driving and the other one is wasted and walking during hard thinking about confessions and decisions he should make.


And , yeah, I still love tequila, so if you think I will like never drink again or smth...not...most pf the ppl in the world are doing things that are more bad for them and others than drinking or smoking and get in stupid-funny, yet dangerous situations
I guess I am just lucky enough not to die, or lucky enough to live my dream life so I don't get so hysteric about losing it like most of the ppl are, when facing death moments....

'Cause thats what it is. I am happy. Complete. Whatever. Wherever. About confessions...

One guy that use to be my friend said once in one of his rare moments of being truthful and honest, lets say in one of his confessions to me, that he's afraid of being hurt and alone, also of letting ppl in, being attached to them in any way...
Its not that I dont understand that...'cause i do.
But he's not the only person in my life that is like that...

question to self: what those ppl keep finding in me? I am warm, lovable person/ I am always expressing how I feel. What do they find in me? Or those ppl are like some kind of emotional vampires-they keep "feeding" themselves with mines or other ppl similar to me- emotions, that they know they can't express or even feel?

Don't you wanna blame him,and at the same time understand him so well?
I know I did and still do...
yeah also about that guy, I really believe that we were friends, but I guess its easy to fool me hehe, specially when you're really good in fooling yourself about so many things.

But, lets go back to my accident ...You know that belief when you're near death, and your whole life flashes before your eyes? Well, it didn't happened to me. But, the ql question I asked myself later in the night( I couldn't fall a sleep logically) is if it did happened, what images I would see? What is my life till now all about?
Really good question right?: )

I will let you know what is the answer when I find out: D
But, one important thing happened last night. I've decided two things: to forgive him for not being a friend to me, and to start with my old hobbies all over again.

So, I decided to let him go. No meter he already did, with or without my decision hehe, its just good for me. Stop expecting that ppl will care like I do. That everybody could be my best friends, and I only have to choose.
Well , I guess that changed.
In that moment, I could die, and nobody was there, even the driver that is probably such a shity person, that he drive away with his stupid shity car, with no care if I am alive or not.
No meter I was totally ok, in some point I thought it was so ql that hi might have some kind of guilt, and maybe he was later quite fucked up( or maybe still) 'cause of thing he done.
But I will forgive him too.
I've come to conclusion that accident is just a kind of message to me, I needed.
How cruel the world is sometimes, how bad and stupid ppl can be, and how stupid I am sometimes.
And it broke my heart. Should I say, luckily thats the only thing that got hurt last night?
hm
The thing that hurts me the most, was that no meter how many friends and ppl that cares for you, you have around, sometimes, usually in the most difficult and challenging moments, you're totally alone. If I died last night, hours or days will go bye until most of the ppl I care and care for me would find out I'm not there anymore.
It's so stupid, right? I would never find out a lot of things, I would never live all those wonderful things that is in my future, never find out so much things unsaid to me, never live, just that is enough.
So, my confession is that I am a bad and weird person, 'cause in that moment, I didn't care. I was calm and complete, just thinking how strange thing is happening to me.
And that's it.
An obscure moment in my life, who knows how much more important than it seems. Although I can't complain, by all said, I am one lucky bustard hehe.

True love

About love. What is it? And when you found out what is love, how to explain it?
I think you can't explain love. You must feel it. Accept it, and live it.
Is that logical? No, of course is not, 'cause love isn't.: D like all the beautiful things in life, it doesn't makes any sense.

Last night I've watched one great movie, which I've already watched before, but ...it was different this time.

Meet Joe Black , is remake of an older movie, and actually in terms of age, it's quite old now(filmed in 1997)
What was different?.Situation ? yes. My current state of mind? yes.
and much more.
It's not just what I like is great film music by Thomas Newman, great acting...what I've discovered I could identify with is few sentences said so shy, if you don't watch and listen carefully to film dialogs you will not remember it, even notice probably like me in past watching.

So here are these few words that have shacked my view of the movie:

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

"Joe Black: ...But Allison loves you?
Quince: [Quince nods yes between stifled sobs]
Joe Black: How do you know?
Quince: Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay."

I believe it says all.
Love is also, making sacrifices, making choices,accepting, letting go, believing, hoping, dreaming, waiting...
...so many things and yet it's so pure and simple.
Quite a strange combination: ) The most profound feeling.

Currently I am asking myself and all of the people around me some questions, I already have answers for, but the thing is, the answer part scares me,'cause I'm not prepared for it. Told you, so complicated and yet harmonious and simple, like the music in this movie.

That questions are, how far will you go for love?

Are you ready to let go and leave it all for the just chance of true love,
the one that lasts forever,
the one so simple and complicated,
the one that looks so strange at first sight,
the one that looks like it's a destined for you to live it, 'cause it happened without any good and realistic reason?

You just randomly met a perfect half, a perfect soul mate that is so not perfect but still suits you in everything.

The person , you're willing to forgive anything,

the ONE that scares the shit out of you with whom you forget about everything else and are willing to leave it all.

The love that had all chances not to happened ever.

A connection that is doomed from the beginning , yet so strong and new and persistent.

The feeling you cannot cool off, no metter how realistic you want to be and try to be.


Is these words even possible to happened, like ever?
It's not about if is it possible 'cause it's already happened.
It's about what will you do about it, and are you ready for stupid, not realistic action. Actions and decisions made by gut, instinct, heart... not head
So risky and stupid, but the one that can make your life happiest and purposeful.
Are you ready for it? Am I ready? I don't know if I am for certain, I just know I'm scared like shit: D
Hm , but nothing is certain in life.

Are you ready to risk it all, to change the flow of your whole well planned and realistic life with measurable results, good chances to be perfectly ordinary, achieve achievable goals, and follow the order and flow in life, you thought is the right one and acceptable for you?


Like one quote from my blog, nothing fails, when you're free and love and being lucky enough to be loved back...

Is the love only thing we truly have in this life?
Being able to love and to be loved?

With no meter about the consequences, no meter about risks, fears. Without thinking about the sacrifices, logics...

How far should I go? Is there a limit?
Hm....

My way betwen the crossroads

Hey I guess I am again after some 8 months more /less on a crossroad: D and it's not scary as it was in June 2007, situation is much more ql so I cannot even compare myself now as to myself in June last year. But still I am scared like shit now.
As in many monthly posts, I am aware of a big and intensive change I've made for myself, from nothing and negative situation to this, that I am quite satisfied with in which my life has deeper meaning and my acts are planned and balanced and actually for the first time in my life-good for me.
Now, I am on new crossroad of further development of myself and more intensive living of my purpose.
I am quite scared of choices I should make in a weeks to come, and I am aware that after it, much of everything is not going to be even close to same: D
I don't know, some inner voice is telling me to just enjoy the ride and victories in every field of my life that I've succeeded to win and follow my heart, but my mind is telling me to be cautious with possible developments of events and choices I am willing to make about a lot of new opportunities I am offered with.
Summing up, I have various opportunities, like a new job offers,national terms in AIESEC abroad in few countries and some of them are really far away from Belgrade , even Europe and still that question and my wish to stay for at least one more year in Belgrade , finish my faculty and stay in my Local committee which I love a lot, and enjoy the most, and by my opinion,can contribute the most.
Staying here for at least one year is direction that is in my heart and scare me the most and it's quite strange that going abroad is less challenge for me than staying.
So, what should I do? The only thing more scary is to choose to stay here, miss opportunities that I am offered and fail even bigger than the last two times.
Follow my heart and enjoy with my friends or rethink about everything and go explore the world as individual even though I feel that I am not prepared for it?
I am really scared. Like never before.
And there is a possibility I don't let myself think in past few weeks, and that is I didn't do enough in this one year time and that my worst nightmare month -February 2007 is going to happen' again.'Cause I was deciding last time on elections by my heart. And thinking that I will not fail 'cause I care so much.
Thinking I was good enough and best solution.
And I've failed big. Now when I think about it, I am still sad of it, and the whole year has passed! I remember how much energy I've put in writing application, interview, how much I believed, and how I felt after it...shit
In just one and half week from now I will know the results of the choice I still didn't made?
To follow my heart blindly or to choose the easiest way, most secured one?
Fuck so many questions and nobody's offering answers!
The ideal state is that I choose to apply again this year and listen my heart and put the whole my self in it, fight and get the chance to do thing I enjoy the most and have that confidence of people I care. ...but I am not sure I have the trust of those people now.'cause there is a big possibility that they don't give a shit about my personal change and that they still don't confide in me, don't believe in me like I believe in them.Quite cruel but that's life.
But, all that is possibilities I've never cared a lot. Always just being aware, but it never bothered me.
I am different a lot. Fuck it, I have my own way of developing, my own standards, my own values and purpose, vision of my self and potential. I believe in decisions of my heart, 'cause they were always pure, I believe in my dreams, my o potential and people around me. Every thing changes and you can only be better in future, more perfect and better in every single way.
And, I know that I already have the answer to the question from the begining.
Follow my heart.
In a few days I will found out where is it taking me this time? Maybe now I don't even care. Maybe now I will just open my eyes wide and my heart and soul and enjoy the ride, let go of all the fears...Maybe thats my new way between these crossroads.

Carpe diem- one of the greatest paradox ever

It's true. Don't try it. It's stupid and may cost you more than you're willing to give.

The paradox I've realized in Carpe diem way of life and approach is that after a while, people that are living in today, just now, not planning, dreaming...just seizing now... start loosing it. Loosing theirs nows.
And much more, loosing themselves, in all that superficial way of living.

For example, I am quite random person, spontaneous and joyful.
But, what makes me different from most of the salvation/personal philosophy seeking people, is firstly I don't look for deeper cause 'cause I've already recognized it inside me, without any help from outside-you can not seek answers to your big questions in someone else's lives and crap,the answer is always inside you, something like inner voice everyone has, and most of the people fear so much to even listen.

Second thing, I do enjoy in spontaneousness and randomness, chaos, call it whtvr, but I do also enjoy in dreaming and making some kind of deeper plans with higher cause-so making balance between, time period that needs to pass from dreaming to achievement of dream,(so you don't live in planing living, but also don't live without any dream and planning, 'cause at some point you will feel sick off it and become empty and just physical person, without any warnings, you will just wake up and find out your soul is empty, you don't feel a thing and have no dreams and reason to live longer that just that one day, and repeat it over and over until you lose any meaning) and enjoying in every day life, its beauty in small and big things and moments,emotions and random happenings. Finding that balance is crucial, as for living in dreams and not achieved plans and living in pointless everyday nightmare is not the solution without each other balanced and connected like famous butterfly effect- everything that happens in your day or a life time is with reason and it's connected like series of dots just waiting for you to realize their true meaning in some period of time...

But, in this instant world, people like to get everything when they want it,usually instantly like googling this, see in wikipedia that, copy paste this, bla bla etc, and it's done. Same like reading self discovering and development books, horoscopes, tarots,trying to find yourself in religions and every single thing you can imagine...yeah horoscope, tarot or stupid book will help you to find answers that you already posses...paradox of modern person, lost in the world of lots of informations and no limits in bullshits and philosophizing and one of those things is this-my blog, but I will reinvent it for sure.


And as I said on the beginning of the post, losing now by living just in now is the greatest paradox I've discovered in my past months research,'cause by loosing now, you're automatically loosing future , and and by loosing future you're loosing your "tomorrows now" and "future nows",if you understand me?
Complex isn't it...

So that's one of the not happy endings when you start seeking for answers in a bad direction.
But, what about the original reason, why people accept that carpe diem approach and specially in some radical cases (for example some 5-6 people I know almost lost their minds and souls and one even life after living by some self empowerment/development/discovering books( for example, the power of now or the man of future etc)...
Can you believe it? I know I was surprised, 'cause I've hated those books after reading and that amount of bad quality you can find in it. But, even some of my friends that have read it, were obsessed with them and have began their way down after a while in the most terrible kind of way. losing everything, every meaning and purpose and feeling even more lost before the reading...
And, when you realize it and see it on various examples of your friends and people you know or heard of, you can only say wtf!?

And I was asking my self a lot about one question that raises in my mind after all those questions...what is different between us so much, that in me that books and shit, can only born critics and awakening about its wrongness and in some cases final disaster of the process people let them catch into, is sometimes, even drastic and tragedic?

Newest victim as I see it is actor Heath Ledger, found dead on the 22nd Jan.
I was quite shocked, it's not just that we share birthday and sort of physical appearance, it is about the stuff I've found in my research in past week.
Things that he read(will not mention again stupid books), said or done, everything leads to a trace of lost person, "carpe diem victim", everything mentioned above that connects him highly to people I know etc.

but one thing, I've got from his quotes, that is really useful for my continuation of research and finding answers for the things I really can not understand( 'cause I'm alien) is that he was always afraid of new projects, future, planning and stuff...(?)
I screamed "Wow, there is it!"
That difference I was looking for, the great and the smallest difference between people!
And I realize also why I cannot get it and realized it before.'cause I don't feel it. Like, ever. I was never afraid of anything( ok, except sharks:/) and I was/am always brave enough to dream, plan, let go, make a difference and balance, listen to myself and people around me, and never lose faith, never stop believe that everything is going to be amazing, no matter what.
That is what makes me, not liking and falling for books, horoscopes, that whole instant shit...

And it's really amazing feeling you understand something you never could-fear.
And, it's really a paradox that some people don't have it, that bravery and belief in themselves and their dreams, that they are putting everything on a side and ready to lose everything for some stupid advices from the stupid and childish authors of so called books, horoscopes, and stuff. Really sad.

I am striving for harder, better, faster and stronger year in my life. But, not by your rules or any other persons, culture or religion rule.
I have my own rules and standards (like everyone of us have) and I appreciate it the most 'cause that is what I've realized is one of the greatest freedoms every person has-birthright to think and live like they want to and feel like living, makin' choices and gathering that chaotic points and summing up them in the way they feel and want.

As I said lots of time, freedom is my religion, and that's why is my most important value(in my value system of choices I am making every day) and everything good that is going to happen' in my life will happen' 'cause of my freedom attitude and approach,freedom of being me and nobody else.

Renaissaince month of mine...or a year ahead of me?

As a title said this is/was a renaissance month for me...and it is probably some random direction of the whole year ahead of me...maybe
Let go of crap

January 2008 is really the longest month I can remember till now...and it's not 'cause of stupid premises like you spend all your money on gifts and stuff on holidays, it's 'cause of countless events and really big decisions days for me and around me..can't believe it's still going, never ending month really...
And the greatest paradox of many I've realized this month is that even though I am almost perfect in multitasking this month, and have accomplished every single smallest thing I've planned and didn't planned at all( : D), I find hard, really hard to focus and concentrate, while studying, thinking, reflecting, talking...that confusion is so unlike me from previous months...or not? hmhmhm

The truth is I feel bored, and somehow weak for thinking(?!) hahaahah
So ql!
I guess I am in some really important period for reaching new heights of my intensiveness balance philosophy and others I've got in that pseudo-self discovering/rediscovering-balance between calmness and intensiveness kind of travel to and through Romania in September...This is definitely some kind of renaissance for me...I am discovering a lot of things and more importantly getting clear with fundamental stuff in my personality...that's probably why I find difficult to concentrate, 'cause of many important things, researches,conversations, approvals of my theories, bids in stupid everyday life,assumptions, logics, philosophies...too much stuff, and no straight focus, something like theory of chaos I am so proudly supporting in my everyday life, just in this month is working differently,'cause I became too flexible and open for challenging so I am trying to be the person who knows the connection of the series of random, chaotic events, but not really controlling them like usually, just being aware of them...complex ha?
hahaha I know you probably have stopped reading a while ago


Hm, confusion never ends...and I enjoy in it I guess.I've lied. I know I am enjoying it, that's my way of life.

The thing that is so super, is that I've started reading books again, not just faculty books( :/), also some really cool, challenging books, as well as watching same alike films and reading critics of it all...it's cool, just don't have so much time, that's why I don't blog so often as usual,'cause I am using blogging time to read some formal books, not blogs I discovered I like so much in past few months...maybe that new/old behavior and approach to my enrichment/development is a part of that greater renaissance mentioned above? In any case, it is cool.
Also, I've almost stop using internet for almost two weeks, and it wasn't strange at all...freaky I am writing it, freaky I did it without any good reason, internet is freaky sometimes hahah
Well that's all from me, I am tired a bit, and going back to non virtual relax time I was enjoying before this blog accident -or other named- the new post of mine.
Enjoy

2008: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I am awake. It's 2008.

Last night I've spent with some of my friends and sister on a party in some big expo center whtvr building, on Armand van Helden kind of concert: )

It was ql enough, although I never liked him specially,not first time I was on his performance neither the second time , and third time is not lucky in this case...
As I remember, his first performance in Belgrade was one of my first going out on that kind of events in life. It was ql, as I remember my friends from my first high school were there, Andjela, Sandra, Laura, Yoxi and some other ppl I can't remember the names of in this moment...haha yeah ..me- always forgetting the names and time...

But one moment was really special last night!

Few days ago I was reflecting about the whole year, now behind me.
I've heard once that when you're remembering about the whole year on the end of it, if you don't cry from happiness or sadness or both- it was a stupid worthless year in your life.
Well in my case it was the "both" thing.
I was thinking,crying, trying to remember of all the beautiful things that happened to me so randomly and spontaneously in 2007...
2007 was definitely the best year in my 21 year old life!

Even though I had so many bad things happening without any good reason, even I've almost died few months ago twice, even I failed big two times, even some ppl that were close to me left, maybe forever...it's still the best year in my life!

In words that are representing the best year 2007. and my experience it's:
hospitals and purple hair, fighting, XPRO, conferences, traveling, partying, tequila- votka -rakija trinity:), letting go, Ada lake, pointless missions and actions, fountain, Nataliya, Alex, Ivan, Marko, Suzana, Vanja ...Nina, blog,facilitating, Wicker park, developing, enjoying, airports, beer fest, Bucharest, Split, Vienna, Berlin, Freestyler, Andrija, Koka iz potoka, Vip, recruitment,elections, unforgettable, new, passion, destination unknown, say it right, Neruda,deep dish, flames to dust, unexpected fun, "dodirni me", "aspirin","crni smoking aj lajk d vej ju toking", fresh,jump through the window, trains and stations, looser:), "odzuji",and then we kiss, mondo bongo, brodarac, burence, hotel slavija and many many more...
When I think about the each word and meaning that has, ...can't stop smiling!

Best year...? Why?

'Cause I've learned a lot, experienced a lot of new things, love new ppl and let go to everything without any boundaries, rediscover my true self...

I've learned how to be free
How to enjoy,
develop,
learn,
fight,
forgive,
be spontaneous,
see the best in people...
care,
make a difference,
live my passions...
value my life values,
vision I have,
all the talents I posses.
enjoy in travels all around,
appreciate all the pointless missions and small moments of joy,
laugh,
party,
celebrate my uniqueness in this world
and most of all : I've discovered or rediscovered my life's purpose,
why I am here and what will I do.

And in those reflection moments I've recognized my trip to Romania as the most valuable experience this year, crucial period or crossroad when and where I've decided about lots of things I am still livin' everyday...and as my last year motto was destination unknown, I've decided that this year, 2008. motto will be Harder, Better,Faster,Stronger- the tittle of daft punk song,one of my favorites.
Why? well that's just representing me and the road I've took and continuing, in at least next few years or maybe whole life ahead of me...

And guess which song was playing on midnight introducing me and all the people in Expo center to 2008, as the last song of 2007. and the first one of 2008....? : )

hahaha I couldn't believe!

I was amazed.So happy. Maybe it's a sign, or coincidence or whtvr...but still that moment was so special and I will remember it till I die, like many other magical moments from this already passed year behind me...

And as 2007. was called by me destination unknown 'cause of all the blind, heart made decisions I've made and all the spontaneous travels and adventures I've took...

2008. in my life is going to be all about
my dreams,
continuing with path that my heart orders me,
continuing with this wonderful year in my life,
traveling,
enjoying,
challenging,
intensiveness,
developing,
real living by my standards of living,
partying,
understanding,
looking for answers,
letting go and living my life's purpose and fighting...
just living harder better faster stronger!


I am awake. It's the best feeling on the whole world!

just for you....

...you've made my day beautiful
or should I say night? : )

Nothing fails

Speechless. Broken. Happy. Thrilled. Excited. In despair of new beginning.Wanting so badly to stop and think. To forgive and be forgiven.

Wishing for a miracle...for this tears to stop...for a new chance...for better understanding...

trying,waiting, hoping...

for someone to comeback sometimes in the future so we can make alive our playground...

for someone to decide finally what to do next and succeed...

for someone to accept me as I am, and listen true me, like I am ready to accept and listen to him...

I am fucked up!
I wanted so strongly to be happy. To live intensively. To develop deeply.

and I've succeeded.

I am happy.
My life is more intense than ever before.
I am developing deeply.

but after this 2 or 3 months ...I just want to stop for a while and think, reflect, sum up... whatever you call it.
Because I am hurting people I care about.
Because I can not express to them some important things.
Because I am hearting myself by all this...and it hurts, fuck
it hurts so much
I could felt last night moment when my heart broke
I 've caused it
I am stupid...too excited and lost
In a desperate need for new things...
new chance
new talk
new deeper relations with people I care about and love so much
people I hope I didn't loose forever

but from now on,
I will not fear it.
I am learning how to let go.
of all the bad things
and let go to all moments, people and things I care, enjoy, love, want, feel...
just let myself go and enjoy the ride, wherever it takes me...
Trying so hard to loose it all so I can be free and enjoy in all the moments that are coming with people I am learning how to love, and maybe they are learning how to love me.

Nothing fails when you're fearless. Open. Understood. Loved.

The best things in life are always free

Hey:)

I really don't know from where to start...like really like:)

I am back in Belgrade, in my room, few hours ago I came back from Croatia, finishing my journey of thousands of miles that started on the 1st of November...

It was amazing, no words can describe it...
I will try to be short:)

Everything started on the 01.11. when I was trying to be on time for NLDS/OCP track...
Of course I couldn't manage it, 'cause of meeting, and NaLDS preparation....
In the evening I was in some motel near Rudnik mountain and motorway drinking turkish coffee near the conference place waiting for a friend from OC to pick me up. Than everything started!!!

NLDS was so amazing!!! OCPs and Newies were really awesome:) every year I have a feeling they are better and better! Can't wait for next year so I can compare:)

I had a lot of fun with all of them and ...oh it was just fucking amazing!
On the last day of NLDS it was time for Suzana,Ivan,Vanja and me to start with our journey to Germany...

We ended up waiting for bus on the dark motorway at 3h in the morning...
Eventually we came to Belgrade on time at dawn and start packing and doing stuff like looking for exchange office that is working at 5h in the morning...like usual-so ql thing to do:)

After all Serbian logistics adventure, we came to Vienna in the evening having a lot of unexpected fun in the train...
Vienna is really cool city, and we decided to live there sometimes for a while...

After crazy/late Hungarian train came, we were having a lot of unexpected fun (this is my new favorite 2 words ), for example passing on our station we were supposed to go and having small talks with crazy/smelly/ guy with a same dog that enters Suzana's and mine coupe ...

Eventually we came in Munich and catch our train to Hanover. We were on time at some village (I forgot name..Bad Harzburg or smth), and drinking coffee and chillin'...

Than my second conference with totally different theme started...
It was so different and relaxing! No words can describe it!
I met a lot of ql ppl and rediscover and clarify a lot of important things in my life ...oh it was amazing...

After NaLDS ended 4 of us go to Berlin.
Berlin is really my kind of city...so alive and random, spontaneous, modern...I will definitely come back there sometime. On my internship few years from now for sure!
We were in some jail-kind of hostel and having a lot of unexpected fun and deep conversations at the same time...It was really life changing experience...and not in that fluffy kind of way-it was really life changing for me. Mexican restoraunt and walking in 6h in the morning in Belrin was just few things I will try not to forget till the end of my life.

My next stop was Zagreb and I manage not to be late on 3 trains and at some midnight I was there meeting with Alex, Ivana and Sinisa.
Of course, Alex made me cry with, I can say life changing story, and I've finally met Geet-crazy girl from India that is now in Cro MC.

Next day faci pre meeting has started and I met Adka from Slovakia ,Edu from Portugal and Martin from Czech Republic and Ana & Sanda/crazy girls from Croatia.

After a while we came to Split where HMS ( third conference in row for me) has started.
HMS was really cool I am still reflecting about it.
All the ppl from Cro MC and faci team are really ql and fun...It was awesome:)
Conference was totally different than 2 before and I can say I experienced in 20 days 3 totally unique conferences and from each I've took the best and learned a lot...really a lot.

I think after the whole November XP , I will not be the same person, of course in a positive way:)

But the thing I was thinking about a lot when I was traveling this thousands of miles quest, is my coming back to Belgrade, finishing, continuing and starting things in my life that is here-in Belgrade-place on earth I enjoy the most, doesn't matter where I go to enrich my thoughts and soul.

I feel free again.
And the best things in life are always free.

Mysterious things ...and things not so mysterious

Hello and good bye
That much time I have for this post:)

Actually everything is pretty much fast and mysterious these days.
We started with I'm an AIESECer campaign few weeks ago and my faculty started and other secret campaigns in AIESEC started and a lot of things in my personal life.
Hm, it seems I am again alive and active 500%: )

Also few conferences, and so many opportunities...like everything started with full speed.
I am probably going to NaLDS in Germany in November and before that probably to our Serbian NLDS and probably( again everything is maybe and probably like usual:)) on Croatian motivational seminar... so many stuff:)and travelings

Me- happy:)))

yup, I am also constantly being surprised with one of my best friends and his personality and parts of it I never met...so that's pretty cool, to be amazed all over again with people you care about.

I am all into observation and exploration of people around so be carefull: )
I just enjoy in discovering new positive things about people:)specially ones I care about a lot...I used have high expectations, and get disappointed after a while but now I have some new philosophy about it...just trying to find the best in everyone, 'cause nobody's perfect and everybody has smth ql to stuck on it.

And on some kind of mysterious way I am again in great relations with some of my old friends.
I told you already, things are pretty mysterious these days:)
Like I am whole my life.

Yeah, about mysterious people and things,
I broke up with Maja.
Illusion...blah blah...
I realize that she is not person I want to spend time with...and not mysterious at all...just stupid and superficial...
what can you do..people are sometimes not what you think they are.
or what you want them to be.

I realized I don't need a weaker person in relationship, follower ...or in this case personal stalker...I need someone free,equal, intelligent, deep, mysterious , crazy, funny, ambitious...someone that can go by my side , not in front, or back...someone spontaneous, independent,...someone I can discover and rediscover all the time...and that's not definitely Maja.

So Majo...I am not sorry...I am not disappointed...it's not. just not. and it will never be, like it never was.

Anyways, I am free again...and enjoy in it as much as I can.
Like usual.
I was on a date in the evening and it was so funny.
To date again:)
haha
Of course , fixed dates are always total mess, so I don't think that anything will happen' with this new girl...but who knows: )
I am letting go like usual and taking the best of life, at least trying to.
But, fuck, also like usual, people are not offering something worth of attention, so that's why I am trying to rediscover all the people around all over again...and with some of them it's working, but with some of them...oh fuck, they are just boring and stupid no matter how hard you try to make them other way at least in your mind.

That's all from me for this week.
bbbb bye