Sobber confessions-down, Drunk confessions-yeeee!the one for me!

Wtf fuck is confession?! Boring shit, we need sometimes...? Probably. Boring 100%, at least to me...
The thing is, I like to drink on parties, and I also like to go out often, so I drink a lot often. Ha ha

Last night I've got hit by the car. I've literally got hit, and in few moments I thought I will die, and that was ok, and that feeling of calmness when I was faced to that kind of stupid and dangerous situation made me think afterwards.
Maybe I was too wasted, so thats why, maybe I just...fuck, hate confessions, thats why I never confess anything:D

note to myself: it's not your fault, thats what happens when two drunk ppl meet, specially in situations when one of them is driving and the other one is wasted and walking during hard thinking about confessions and decisions he should make.


And , yeah, I still love tequila, so if you think I will like never drink again or smth...not...most pf the ppl in the world are doing things that are more bad for them and others than drinking or smoking and get in stupid-funny, yet dangerous situations
I guess I am just lucky enough not to die, or lucky enough to live my dream life so I don't get so hysteric about losing it like most of the ppl are, when facing death moments....

'Cause thats what it is. I am happy. Complete. Whatever. Wherever. About confessions...

One guy that use to be my friend said once in one of his rare moments of being truthful and honest, lets say in one of his confessions to me, that he's afraid of being hurt and alone, also of letting ppl in, being attached to them in any way...
Its not that I dont understand that...'cause i do.
But he's not the only person in my life that is like that...

question to self: what those ppl keep finding in me? I am warm, lovable person/ I am always expressing how I feel. What do they find in me? Or those ppl are like some kind of emotional vampires-they keep "feeding" themselves with mines or other ppl similar to me- emotions, that they know they can't express or even feel?

Don't you wanna blame him,and at the same time understand him so well?
I know I did and still do...
yeah also about that guy, I really believe that we were friends, but I guess its easy to fool me hehe, specially when you're really good in fooling yourself about so many things.

But, lets go back to my accident ...You know that belief when you're near death, and your whole life flashes before your eyes? Well, it didn't happened to me. But, the ql question I asked myself later in the night( I couldn't fall a sleep logically) is if it did happened, what images I would see? What is my life till now all about?
Really good question right?: )

I will let you know what is the answer when I find out: D
But, one important thing happened last night. I've decided two things: to forgive him for not being a friend to me, and to start with my old hobbies all over again.

So, I decided to let him go. No meter he already did, with or without my decision hehe, its just good for me. Stop expecting that ppl will care like I do. That everybody could be my best friends, and I only have to choose.
Well , I guess that changed.
In that moment, I could die, and nobody was there, even the driver that is probably such a shity person, that he drive away with his stupid shity car, with no care if I am alive or not.
No meter I was totally ok, in some point I thought it was so ql that hi might have some kind of guilt, and maybe he was later quite fucked up( or maybe still) 'cause of thing he done.
But I will forgive him too.
I've come to conclusion that accident is just a kind of message to me, I needed.
How cruel the world is sometimes, how bad and stupid ppl can be, and how stupid I am sometimes.
And it broke my heart. Should I say, luckily thats the only thing that got hurt last night?
hm
The thing that hurts me the most, was that no meter how many friends and ppl that cares for you, you have around, sometimes, usually in the most difficult and challenging moments, you're totally alone. If I died last night, hours or days will go bye until most of the ppl I care and care for me would find out I'm not there anymore.
It's so stupid, right? I would never find out a lot of things, I would never live all those wonderful things that is in my future, never find out so much things unsaid to me, never live, just that is enough.
So, my confession is that I am a bad and weird person, 'cause in that moment, I didn't care. I was calm and complete, just thinking how strange thing is happening to me.
And that's it.
An obscure moment in my life, who knows how much more important than it seems. Although I can't complain, by all said, I am one lucky bustard hehe.

True love

About love. What is it? And when you found out what is love, how to explain it?
I think you can't explain love. You must feel it. Accept it, and live it.
Is that logical? No, of course is not, 'cause love isn't.: D like all the beautiful things in life, it doesn't makes any sense.

Last night I've watched one great movie, which I've already watched before, but ...it was different this time.

Meet Joe Black , is remake of an older movie, and actually in terms of age, it's quite old now(filmed in 1997)
What was different?.Situation ? yes. My current state of mind? yes.
and much more.
It's not just what I like is great film music by Thomas Newman, great acting...what I've discovered I could identify with is few sentences said so shy, if you don't watch and listen carefully to film dialogs you will not remember it, even notice probably like me in past watching.

So here are these few words that have shacked my view of the movie:

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

"Joe Black: ...But Allison loves you?
Quince: [Quince nods yes between stifled sobs]
Joe Black: How do you know?
Quince: Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay."

I believe it says all.
Love is also, making sacrifices, making choices,accepting, letting go, believing, hoping, dreaming, waiting...
...so many things and yet it's so pure and simple.
Quite a strange combination: ) The most profound feeling.

Currently I am asking myself and all of the people around me some questions, I already have answers for, but the thing is, the answer part scares me,'cause I'm not prepared for it. Told you, so complicated and yet harmonious and simple, like the music in this movie.

That questions are, how far will you go for love?

Are you ready to let go and leave it all for the just chance of true love,
the one that lasts forever,
the one so simple and complicated,
the one that looks so strange at first sight,
the one that looks like it's a destined for you to live it, 'cause it happened without any good and realistic reason?

You just randomly met a perfect half, a perfect soul mate that is so not perfect but still suits you in everything.

The person , you're willing to forgive anything,

the ONE that scares the shit out of you with whom you forget about everything else and are willing to leave it all.

The love that had all chances not to happened ever.

A connection that is doomed from the beginning , yet so strong and new and persistent.

The feeling you cannot cool off, no metter how realistic you want to be and try to be.


Is these words even possible to happened, like ever?
It's not about if is it possible 'cause it's already happened.
It's about what will you do about it, and are you ready for stupid, not realistic action. Actions and decisions made by gut, instinct, heart... not head
So risky and stupid, but the one that can make your life happiest and purposeful.
Are you ready for it? Am I ready? I don't know if I am for certain, I just know I'm scared like shit: D
Hm , but nothing is certain in life.

Are you ready to risk it all, to change the flow of your whole well planned and realistic life with measurable results, good chances to be perfectly ordinary, achieve achievable goals, and follow the order and flow in life, you thought is the right one and acceptable for you?


Like one quote from my blog, nothing fails, when you're free and love and being lucky enough to be loved back...

Is the love only thing we truly have in this life?
Being able to love and to be loved?

With no meter about the consequences, no meter about risks, fears. Without thinking about the sacrifices, logics...

How far should I go? Is there a limit?
Hm....