Emptiness or thats just life?

Hello to all readers or whoever( I don't quite know how many ppl are reading my blog , but anyways...hellooo ;)

Well, I didn't wrote anything for quite some time, I guess I didn't feel a need or smth to write posts...Probably nothing special is happening here in my life: D

I feel strange, somehow, detached from the whole world around me, and kind of like it, but its just weird, 'cause generally I am quite extroverted person...I need ppl:)
I thing I am hurt or smth by lost of contact with few people, and lost of contact with my usual activities and specially lost of contact with my inner self...the last one is really bad...hmhm,

The thing I am sure is that I will never say it or express it, I wouldn't say it here if I am not 100% sure that almost none of the ppl around me is reading it:D
Lucky me...

Funny thing is that I was dong some stupid tests few days ago and one of my "qualities" was that "I am generally easy going person"....
hahahhahahah
So untrue:)
I mean, it depends what term generally means, but "generally " I am hard to understand and hard to deal with in any kind of serious or half serious situation
and I don't think thats wrong, I think of that as just of part of who I am.
And generally I find easy going people very shallow in certain cases or in other, afraid on some deeper levels, usually not keen to explore themselves and ppl around them, not keen to open, understand, afraid of emotions and expressing them...just cowards in some way
too bad for them or for those who think they are special enough to think there's exception in this rule with easy going ppl...but, thats also a part of who they are so I am trying to respect it and understand it

note to self: respect it and understand it, but never ever be easy going when it comes to what really meters in you life or with what you feel or what you expect
or whtvr

So whats up? Hm
Well , my sister Sanja is back from Croatia( finally) but not for long, and I am talking and spending most of my time with her or my mom and dad or, my new girlfriend I tend to fall for( hahha omg what sentence), or just trying to open myself to unexpected affair or strange start of maybe new relationship in my life.
I know i didn't expect it at all, but its there, I am officially one month in a relationship ...fuck:D
I don't know where that all thing is going, but ...I guess I've learned to appreciate
random things in my life, and sex is just great and a lot of fun ...who knows, maybe thats a relationship in reality that is going to last?
I mean I always(last few years) kind of expected that my next long relationship is going to be ...well much different than this one I will probably be long time in future 'cause it s safe and ordinary and ...fuck, did I just said safe and ordinary?
Shoot my self for that

Anyways...I know I should be happy, 'cause I've experience a lot of beautiful things and emotions in past few months or years,I know I should be grateful 'cause I am able to be loved and to love so much,....but
I am not satisfied at the moment
My life currently is so freakin' boring, and I don't feel loved at all
no passion, adventures,randomness and craziness, freedom,...everything I care about the most..fuck I must be insane,'cause in eyes of all ppl around me I should be happy, and I just feel empty

Maybe I am becoming that easy going person am I?
The one that is satisfied with shallow relationships the one that enjoys in ordinary,the one that enjoys in now, the one that oh fuck I never was?

Like month ago, my friend Natasa came back for some conference here, and she told me I was different, and plus I 've got in some random notes at the end of it, notes like oh we didn't do this or we didn't do that crazy shit we usually do on conferences so randomly
I was fucked up
I am, still. I mean, wtf that means???
Should I be satisfied and grateful for things most of the ppl are?
And if I am not, whats wrong with me? And if nothing is wrong, why can't I just be and do whtvr I feel satisfied and grateful with?
Whats lost in me?
fuck
I already know the answer
It's just I need some time to restart myself , kind of like when you fuck up smth with your computer and it stuck, you restart it
I am stuck...if that isn't so serious it would be funny
And I need that fucking restart so much
I know I experienced a lot of things that gives me reasons to be disappointed in past time; I fell in love with persons that at the end only had hurt me, I've lost some of the ppl I really deeply care about, I was hurt a lot and hurt a lot of ppl, I failed a lot, I was not true to myself, I 've stopped trying,and I've begin to believe that this is how life is really looking...so untrue
I've forgot how everything before in my life happened, everything before I lost faith first in ppl than in myself and my own vision how everything works and what I want in present and future.
I've forgot that my reality is just my own peace of art, that I am making it, no meter how and why
I just hope I didn't loose it 4ever, and that really soon I will be again that strange , crazy and free myself I used to be, restarted after stuck-upness in past 2 months
I wish that I could clear things up, make up with that few shitty people I care about a lot, and talk about how I feel with so many ppl, ...
I need conclusion. And new beginning I am so good at.
Just, hehe " just", don't have energy or enough will to do it at the moment

I have to find it and try